This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize