I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
