Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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