Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
