wrigley field is MILF paradise
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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