guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
