Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You made out with two different species that night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
