i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
