Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
