I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
