Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
