You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
