From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
