So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You are a genius and a whore.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
