Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I checked into jail on foursquare
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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