angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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