oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
