I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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