He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
