I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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