I have demons in me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
