it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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