Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
