I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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