the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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