I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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