I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize