He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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