I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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