Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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