ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
