I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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