Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
