maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize