I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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