Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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