i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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