Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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