so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
