RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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