you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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