i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
