We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
