During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
