apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
