Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
