we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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