let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
