Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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