Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
