I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
