he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
