Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
