dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
