so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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