Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
