So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
