VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
