Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize