its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
