I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
