You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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