I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
