He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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