So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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