My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
